I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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