I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
