Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
