Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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