I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
