can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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