In the future we'll all be gay
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
