I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
