Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
