just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
