Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
