and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
