there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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