thus making me awesome and them whores
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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