Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I had to cum in my sink.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
