If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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