3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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