it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
