My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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