She is in my trunk
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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