She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
True college students do jello shots in the library
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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