All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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