my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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