Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
