...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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