K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
