Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
