It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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