While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Randomize
