I have demons in me.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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