During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
