We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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