I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
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I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
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I want to be your penis for a week.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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