He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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