I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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