The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
MIDGETS
????
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
