I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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