Acid is not a monday night drug
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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