you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
