Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
