2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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