She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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