I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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