I just saw a hot homeless man
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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