Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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