So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
