Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
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So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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