So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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