i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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