yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
