I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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