Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
