I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
