I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
