cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
