Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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