He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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