My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
