I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
