his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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